To Let it Go or Not

Wish you all a happy & colourful Holi!

I had 2 conversations today, which are worth mentioning..

First, with an old acquaintance, whose ONLY intention was to convey good wishes. But the way the wishes were conveyed, the words which were used, it reminded me of things buried deep down somewhere. The actual intentions were, thus, inevitably revealed. The exchange of words (to me, honestly, it isnt anything more than that!) made me think, why cant some people just move on in life? They wouldnt leave it and wont let you do so too!

Second, with a colleague with CLEAR intentions of conveying their wishes and reminding me of a small tiny tiff from the past. What this person tried to reconcile on, was something I had forgotten, purposely, since it wasnt something to drag and keep fuming about. I was asked to forgive and forget, and I gladly agreed.

I am not the thinker kinds, but the comparison came naturally to me. Both these people and their situtations in my life are different, let me admit.

But guess this Holi, I've got my lessons right :)

Hope you enjoy the colours and let go off things that don't really matter!

Sweety.

I think I wanna step in your shoes, Mom...

These days..I observe myself getting fascinated than ever when that colleague of mine shares how her 3 yrs old adopted baby gal says prayers for everyone in the kin, before she goes to sleep every night...

These days..I see myself calling my 4.5 yrs old niece almost every alternate day, longing to hear her sweet yet wicked talks...

The moment I get myself thinking deeper into this, some part of me revots and reminds me of my years old dreams of further studies...
It reiterates I cant yet burden my Man with the age long responsibilities of raising a family.

And the next thing I know, I have changed my mind...
but same series of thoughts...over and over and over again...

And I have no comeback for this thought of my own... Offlate I have started believing that I can only realize and perhaps get as well, what I have missed at the receiving end only when I shift myself to the giving end of those heavenly joys!

Fortunately or unfortunately, this is what my heart and mind are filled with, while I so wanna jump to completing 2 wonderfully happy years of the institution called... marriage...


Sweety.

I've got to be ME

Its CRISIS time.

For the first time its "identity crisis". For the first time I am feeling bored with things. For the first time.....

I do not welcome changes easliy, but its the stagnant life of mine that's been a botheration for me.

They say its a mood swing period I am going thru, I know I am not. At the same time I dont know what I am going thru.

It dint happen overnight. At the same time I dont know when it started to change.

Its not because of just one thing. At the same time I dont know what the reason is.

I have been "the busier, the happier" kinds, so far as I remember. I adore this state so much so that its being difficult to survive with this trait at work. May be I was like this always and this "busy" phase never let me think of it ever.

Sustaining zenith is getting impossible by the day. Not that its tough to handle it, but Work is what you prove yourself with.

No work, no test.

No test, no evalution.

Give it some time and people forget you as if you were never there. Identity crisis, isnt it?

Sweety.

Is it worth it?

I’ve been doing a lot of things everyday, day after day…except for a few, I don’t feel like doing’em…they don’t interest me anymore…they are done just because someone asked for’em…

Root cause of the pain is knowing things done unwillingly are not even being realized, acknowledged, appreciated…guess the last word was like asking for a little too much...

Thinking of times flooded with work… Days spent thinking work, sleeping work, eating work & doing work, joy of being acknowledged, joy of being appreciated, joy of being the centre of attention (though I din't like it much), joy of being on top of everything (as they say it), joy of being the only one in the category to have received awards, joy of being the reason of people’s jealousy…gone are the days…

I was raised to be honest and sincere, loyal and truthful and was proud to have acquired these qualities, now I wonder if they are still considered to be qualities. Sincerity doesn’t pay without being able to refuse to obey, Honesty doesn’t pay without being manipulative, being loyal doesn’t pay without being bitching, being truthful doesn’t pay without saying half truths is what I’ve been observing, and I feel I am stuck!

I am stuck because I find it all contradicting and I can never understand how they do it. I can never do this without losing things I am proud of possessing and if I ever do it, I wouldn’t consider myself alive anymore because I don’t think its really worth living like being that.

I feel being wasted…


Sweety.

Nothing, Really...

And I thought Introspection helps!!!

Sweety.

Broken…

I heard about an unpleasant incident today. A colleague’s uncle died in a road accident, when his car collided with a truck loaded with oxygen cylinders, needless to say, he died on the spot. The police, as if this wasn’t enough, injected the dead with alcohol, and made an ugly scene. Unfortunately, car belonged to a friend and the poor guy wasn’t carrying his driving license. The news came out later in evening and now the cops demanded bribe to close the case and release the body. How unfortunate! Makes me wonder if we really need something like police…are they there to make life better for us or worsen it???

I soon got over with the Police part, it’s something usual in my city…but I can’t get over the fact that it’s a broken family now. L Probably he was the one who earned the bread and butter for his family… I know nothing in this world stops when someone leaves, no matter how great a person he/she was, but still!

When I went thru this breaking thing, when it happened with my family, when I was barely 14, I thought of Something once…The only person I shared it with dint agree with me, I dint argue, I dint fight, but I kept this thought back in my heart, where it came from, but with the news of every demise, I think of it again and again, and today is one such day…

So that thinking of mine says, Families shouldn’t be broken.

That simply means that a family would comprise of parents and their kids, and according to me, no one would leave or die alone. If the time has come for’em, they all would die together! So that there’s no one to cry after’em, no one has to miss’em, no one feels deprived of anything, and above all, nobody’s life is blank, be it any page of life! And yah, that also makes me ponder on how this entire episode will go to one generation after the other, if I think logically (Yeah I do that too, sometimes). I got a temporary solution to this too, but I sure knew God wouldn’t buy that, if I were ever to present it to him.

I wrote it here today, not because another death reminded me of it, not because I wanted to take it forward to more and more people and get someone to support or agree with me, but because I wanted it to come out of my heart and be there on my mind always, I might find one reason, one solution, one day. Amen!


Sweety.

Why?

My husband told me this last night...Early that evening; he had gone to buy something at a local shop. The next thing he saw, the shop owner, slouching in his chair with his eyes closed, was listening to a real old number…do naina, ek kahani, thoda sa badal, thoda sa pani, aur ek kahani… this was enough to remind him of the days when he was an ardent music lover…Lucky Ali and a couple more being his favs…

We both are working. I am in sales and He works with numbers and works approx 14 hours a day, and his day is such that doesn’t permit him to listen to music, I feel, and not only music, but a lot of similar things…“little things of joy”. And this small incident that took place a few hours back in his life made him say this… “I want to play some music for myself while I am also slouching on my chair, with my eyes closed, not being bothered about anything, at all!” and in my heart I had said, “Amen”…

Post 13 months of married life, I have countless good and very good and excellent things that have happened but I’d also admit that the little time we get together (read “weekend”), we try our best to make it the BEST! But honestly, not everything can wait till next weekend comes. We try our best to show up in family gatherings and we try our best to keep up with our social circuit but we fail at times…but the irony of life is when at work, we never fail…and sometimes, I wonder WHY?

Sweety.

Chums!!!

Yeah I know its Valentines Day today but I am going to write about friends…I wanted to write this for quite some time and somehow realized today is the right day to do it...my fav talk show made me write it today……so here I go…

It was 1.5 yrs back, during a cousin’s wedding when I met a guy who expected me to guess who he was, and if not that, atleast try to recall abt him…and I cudnt...and he was introduced to me as a childhood frnd of mine, and I was told that we lost touch around 15-16 yrs back! Looong time…but before that, we had reportedly wrestled together, besides other games kids of our age play! And since then, we’ve been the best of friends…again!

My wedding is 1 yr old now and I don’t think anything has changed between him n me…atleast from my end… no matter how much he doubted me on this…but today, after listening to my fav talk-show, which undoubtedly discussed about friends today, I realized he has changed…he dsnt call me dat often…he has to think of a good time to call…is it true that my marital status is making him think of all this? Will I also think the same once he’s married…will I also have to think twice before calling him, just like he does? I mean, I feel free to bug him anytime of the day, but will I be able to do it once he’s married too?

Valentine’s Day was a time for introspection for me…he will read it today…may be he’ll think too…may be he wont…may be he knows the answer!

Sweety